BASEketball (1998)

Dir. David Zucker

Starring: Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Dian Bachar, Yasmine Bleeth 

Ah, another American sports movie. We have had American football (Remember the Titans), we have had baseball (Bull Durham) and we have had basketball (Best Shot). Now we have BASEketball. What, you’ve never heard of it? 

In the movie BASEketball is a sport invented by two twenty-something drop-outs, Joe ‘Coop’ Cooper and Doug Remer (Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park: the Movie). Challenged to shoot hoops by two athletic preppies they create their own game on the spur of the moment, claiming that they learnt it “in the hood”. At its basic level players have to get a ball into a basket; however there are different bases from which the ball can be thrown, resulting in a variable amount of points scored. They also invent a rule allowing the defenders to put off the shooter with “psych outs”. Coop and Remer win the match and start a craze.  

Fast forward five years and the two friends are playing BASEketball professionally. The sport has remained true to its slacker roots and is free from corporate exploitation. When the founder of the BASEketball League (and owner of the Milwaukee Beers, for whom the two pals play) chokes to death on a hotdog he leaves ownership of the team to Coop. He blocks any attempts by rival owner Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughan) to increase the profitability of the game – which sets up a confrontation with best friend Remer.

BASEketball is a broadside against corporate dominance of American sport. Its central premise is that sport is no longer owned by the fans. Sportsmanship takes second place to profit. Owners want to maximise their returns rather than inspire a nation. The opening narration describes a sports establishment out of touch with its roots. We may laugh, but many of the same criticisms can be levelled against English sport too. It comments on sports teams being franchises that move around the country at will (take a bow MK Dons). It notes that historic stadia are now named after sponsors (take a look at the Emirates Stadium or the Etihad). It criticises mercenary athletes trading one team for another (take your pick, but ‘Cashly Cole’ or any player involved with Kia Joorabchian would be my choice). It says that more effort goes into extravagant goal celebrations than in competing in the first instance (and I recalled Gazza’s ‘dentist’s chair’, Robbie Fowler’s ‘coke snort’ and Mario Ballotelli’s ‘Why is it always me?’ t-shirt). Football is priced out of reach of the masses while Premier League players earn twenty times the average annual wage per week. In this film the catering to ‘the fans’ is the prime attribute of any sport. 

Sadly, one would presume that all such fans are male. This is an incredibly sexist film. Yasmine Bleeth plays the virgin (Coop’s love interest - yes, an ex-Baywatch star is the virgin!); Jenny McCarthy plays the whore (she has about ten lines and is mostly seen buffing floors in heels and a microdress). Other than a crabby old nurse the only other women seen are “Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year” in a jacuzzi and the cheerleaders, who gyrate pitchside in thongs, bras and dominatrix outfits. Though it should be pointed out that the San Francisco Ferries (pronounced ‘Fairies’), have all-male cheerleaders to go with their pink uniform and camp mannerisms. Yes, the team from San Francisco is populated entirely by gay stereotypes. The comedy is not subtle. Other teams include the New Jersey Informants (with Italian-American characatures straight from Jersey Shore), the Hispanic Miami Dealers, the redneck San Antonio Defenders and the African-American L.A. Riots. Actors of the calibre of Robert Vaughan (who ends up with birdpoo on his face) and Ernest Borgnine (who strips to ‘I’m Too Sexy’) are used embarrassingly. 

And this is a shame because the interactions between Parker, Stone and Dian Bachar’s Squeak, the butt of all their jokes (“Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times… I’m outta here!”) are funny. A good deal of improvisation was layered on top of the script. One Coop psych-out involves him doing the voice of Eric Cartman. At another point a mournful country ballad comes on the car radio that could have come straight from Team America: World Police ("Even if some guy's tryin-a blackmail you / And your girlfriend thinks you suck / It's up to you to let them know / That it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan / Look out ahead - there's a truck changing lanes..."). There is a joy to the cartoonishness that hides the sexism / homophobia etc. Only those with an inquiring mind are likely to stress over the negative elements. There is a cleverness to the description of the overly-complicated play-off system (“With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge… With last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three... Then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa. So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.”)

They may have had their pyjamas on but
they didn't want to go to bed yet

I am left wondering why a sport which was meant to belong to tha fans was created with a structure where the owners of clubs could agree amongst themselves to change the rules of the game. Why isn’t there an independent governing body? But I suppose we shouldn’t ask these questions. BASEketball is a stupid, silly check-your-brain-at-the-door movie. In which, ironically enough, the rules of the sport in question are clearer than those in Best Shot, Bull Durham or Remember the Titans. 

What have I learnt about Wisconsin?

Thi is, like Bridesmaids, a Wisconsin movie set in Milwaukee. Assuming that all the teams are based on stereotypes (that Dallas is full of Felons, Roswell of Aliens, San Francisco of Ferries / Fairies and New Jersey of Informants) it seems as though Milwaukee is full of Beers. It must have a famous brewing history – the local baseball team are the Milwaukee Brewers. The supporters love their wacky pint-tankard headgear too – reminiscent of the Packers’ ‘Cheeseheads’. But the implication is that Milwaukee sports teams are somehow closer to the fans and less corporate than those from other cities. 

Can we go there?

Bridesmaids was set in Milwaukee but filmed around Los Angeles. BASEketball was set in Milwaukee but filmed… around Los Angeles.

Coop and Remer’s house is in Long Beach – 1011 E 46^th Street to be precise. The hospital they visit is also in Long Beach, the VA Medical Centre up on E 7^th Street. Baxter Cain’s (Dallas) offices were actually 1100 Wilshire Boulevard (now owner-occupied ondos) in LA. Even Calcutta Airport was really Long Beach Airport. 

Overall Rating: 3/5

The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)

Dir. Bill Rebane

Starring: Steve Brodie, Robert Easton, Barbara Hale, Alan Hale 

All hell is busting loose in northern Wisconsin. You know how we know this? Because characters keep stating that “all hell is busting loose”. Something has fallen from the stars – it later turns out that it is a black hole – and landed in a field. The black hole leads through to a parallel universe. Soon cattle and motorcyclists are being found dead and partially eaten. It might have been semi-suspenseful to work out what could be behind this mayhem if it weren’t for the fact that the film is called The Giant Spider Invasion. Yes – that’s right. America has been invaded by… a giant spider. 

Well, technically, it has been invaded by many tarantulas, a couple of larger teddy-bear-sized puppets and one giant fifty-foot spider with glowing red eyes. The puppets look ridiculous, the giant spider looks shoddy. Thankfully the live tarantulas give a believable and naturalistic performance. Which is more than the actors do.

Now, I’m a fan of ‘50s B-movies. But this ‘70s B-movie doesn’t even scrape into the ‘so bad it’s good’ category. It is terrible. Stock footage is interspersed with two serious scientific types saying serious scientific things like ”Einstein’s Theory of Relativity” and “gamma rays”. There are some semi-interesting country types – the mean, adulterous farmer, his sozzled wife, her pert and clothing-optional little sister, the bumbling sheriff, the comical German barmaid. There are ropey special effects, three different musical stings used over and over again, awful editing, scenes where you cannot even see what is going on and a mismatched script. Apparently two different men wrote the script: one wanted a serious horror tone, the other wanted comedy. So you have these two moods jarring against each other. At one point the Sheriff (Alan Hale) references Jaws, which came out the same year (“It makes that shark look like a goldfish!”). But what Spielberg realised with Jaws was that if your central monster isn’t realistic enough, keep it unseen. In The Giant Spider Invasion we see far too much of long wooly legs, mechanical joints and glowing red eyes – the giant spider was a dressed-up Volkswagen in reverse. It just does not look good enough. It is a non-scary horror film, a non-funny comedy and a non-arousing skin flick all rolled into one. It does not know which target to aim for and consequently misses them all. 

 

When Ropey Special Effects Attack!

 

Okay, so it had a small budget. So did The Evil Dead and I loved that. The Giant Spider Invasion makes the film the children are making in Super 8 look fantastic. 

What have I learnt about Wisconsin?

Wisconsin might be in the north, but it’s just as redneck as the south. We see crotchety farmers in long johns and hellfire revival meetings. The economy seems to be based on cattle-rearing and logging. They have polka festivals (or did in the mid-70s anyway). 

The most important place in the state seems to be not Milwaukee but the state capital of Madison. The National Guard are rousted from there, and the city also has a Caltech Neutron Accelerator (just the job for plugging up black holes!) 

Can we go there?

The film is set in Marathon County, Wisconsin. The giant spider outflanks the townsfolk to go on a rampage in Gleason to the north. The film was shot in Gleason and Merrill. In fact, just last week the film was screened at the Cosmo Theater (which can be seen in the background of some rioting scenes). 150 people turned up to watch it. Wow. Dr Langer’s observatory is in the Astronomy Department of the University of Wisconsin faculty at Stevens Point. 

Overall Rating: 1/5

Bridesmaids (2011)

Dir. Paul Feig

Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Melissa McCarthy 

Last year’s Bridesmaids was touted as ‘The Hangover for girls’. I take exception to this. Yes, there is a wedding and there is final bachelorette party to Vegas, but that is as far as the similarities go. The Hangover was broad cartoonish comedy with an entire series of unlikely occurrences – a baby, a tiger, Mike Tyson, a naked Chinese guy in a car boot. Bridesmaids is actually really rather sad.

The star (and co-writer) of Bridesmaids is Kirsten Wiig. She plays Annie Walker, a lovely lady whose life is vanishing down the U-bend. Her bakery went bust, her boyfriend left her, she gets fired from her job, she is evicted from her flatshare, and she has unfulfilling sex with a sleazeball (played by Mad Men’s Jon Hamm) who refers to her as his “number three”. The only thing keeping her going is her childhood best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph). As Annie’s life collapses Lillian’s is taking off. She is now moving in elevated social circles in Chicago and is engaged to be married. Annie is thrilled to be Lillian’s maid of honour. The fly in the ointment is Lillian’s new friend, the practically perfect Helen (Rose Byrne). Annie fears losing Lillian to the glamorous Helen. They have a conversation is which she opines that a person’s childhood friends are the best ones they will ever have; Helen instead states that people are evolving and changing all the time.

 

"...because the dress on the poster looked
more 'hot pink' than lavender..."

The scene is set by a cringe-worthy moment at the engagement party where Annie and Helen fight over getting the last word in speeches. Helen continues to overshadow Annie throughout the wedding preparations. Annie’s restaurant selection gives everyone food poisoning. Helen gets them in to an exclusive dress shop – which is then trashed by an orgy of vomit and diarrhoea. Annie gets arrested by an air marshall and gets their flight to Vegas grounded. Finally, she is barred from attending her best friend’s wedding after Helen steals her idea for a Parisian-themed party and she suffers a bit of a breakdown. (Mind you, the party is ridiculously excessive: puppies are offered as party favours).

This is a very different school of humour to that offered by The Hangover. This is the comedy of ritual humiliation. There are gross-out moments (such as the aforementioned food poisoning incident). There are ridiculous moments (largely the pie-in-the-sky lavishnes of Helen’s party planning and the balls-out Melissa McCarthy as Megan). But most of the guffaws come from the continuing indignities heaped upon poor Annie. And fair play to all the actors for joining in with gusto. Jon Hamm plays possibly the biggest douche on screen. Sample line, after a night of sex: “This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.” He fails.

There are moments of sweetness in the film too. Chris O’Dowd (Roy from The IT Crowd, who – along with Matt Lucas as Annie’s landlord – provides a British element to the proceedings) has a very odd accent but is cute as Officer Rhodes, with whom Annie has a blossoming relationship. They fudge the fact that he is clearly not American and yet still serves in the state police. But with Lillian distracted elsewhere he represents Annie’s best hope of salvation. And, of course, he helps her to save the day when Lillian goes AWOL before her wedding and Helen is left panicking. Sometimes only a longstanding friend can help. In this respect Bridesmaids has more heart than The Hangover. It is not so cartoonish.

What we see in these cash-strapped times is a clear division between the rich and everyone else. Helen is a trophy wife and can spend her time planning preposterous parties with free puppies, live butterflies in the invitations, designer wedding dresses, surprise trips to Paris and weddings in the middle of swimming pools. She can buy friends. It is tougher for people who try to create – people like Annie whose business went bust. And the rich don’t seem to understand the budgetary constraints that others might be under.

But this is probably just reading too much into it.  

What have I learnt about Wisconsin?

I didn’t really have any preconceptions of what Milwaukee, where the film is set, would look like. And it looks stunning. The shots shown feature blue sky and blue water, with towering skyscrapers fringing the shores of Lake Michigan. It has been hit by the recession however - Annie’s business has gone out of operation for example. 

In this Milwaukee contrasts with Chicago, which has some very wealthy neighbourhoods, obviously, and we see Helen’s luxurious mansion, a ritzy country club and a posh designer wedding dress boutique. Driving between the two cities is relatively painless. As long as you don't panic brake to avoid a porcupine. Raccoons also live locally. 

Can we go there?

The film is set in Milwaukee. Establishing shots show the Milwaukee Public Market, the Santiago Calatrava-designed Art Museum and the sundappled lake shore. The exterior of Annie’s apartment was shot at Kinnickinnic Avenue in Bayview, and Cholodecki’s Jewelry Store was located at 1009 Mitchell Street.  

However, the film was shot in California. Helen’s house is actually located at 380 S San Rafael in Pasadena. It was otherwise known as ‘Wayne Manor’ from the ‘60s TV series of Batman. The engagement party took place at the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, and the wedding at the Los Angeles County Arboretum and Botanic Garden. The bridal dress shop was on S Spring Street in L.A. Ted’s apartment is 3722 Sapphire Drive in Encino. Annie meets up with Officer Rhodes on the roads around Oxnard. When they go to a bar the interior was the Redwood Bar and Grill at 316 W 2^nd Street in Los Angeles. 

Overall Rating: 3/5

Week 50: Wisconsin

"That was Wisconsin, that was yesterday,
 Now I have nothing that I can keep
 'cause every place I go takes another place with me -
 Love is love's critique..."
 - 'Wisconsin',
 Bon Iver

I was singing in a band the other weekend. We had a full house, the audience were up for it, the band sounded, like, incredible and all I could think of was grabbing the mic at the front of the stage, punching the air and yelling "Good evening Milwaukee!"

 

I have absolutely no idea why I associate Milwaukee, the largest city in Wisconsin, with rock music. I suppose it needs something to keep its head above water. Bustling Chicago is further south on Lake Michigan and we saw The Blues Brothers showcase that city's musical pedigree. Detroit, home of Motown and Eminem's 8 Mile is to the east. Even to the north-west there is the funk fusion of Prince's Purple Rain. So why do I think of rock when I think of Milwaukee? Maybe it's just the name of the city - it is kinda funny. Or maybe my overwhelming first impression of Wisconsin - like my overwhelming first impression of Delaware - comes from Wayne's World. In that film Wayne and Garth travel to see a very erudite Alice Cooper play. As Alice says:

 

"I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans."

"In fact, isn't 'Milwaukee' an Indian name?" "

Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced 'Mil-e-wah-que', which is Algonquin for 'the Good Land'."

 

That bizarre interlude aside, I'm not sure I know that much about Wisconsin. Whenever I tried (prior to this year) to name all fifty American states Wisconsin was always the one I forgot. It's east coast is provided by Lake Michigan, and its northern pokes its toes into Lake Superior, but I feel that it is overshadowed by Chicago to the south. Even the peninsula of land between those two lakes belongs elsewhere - it is Michigan's detached Upper Peninsula (where Anatomy of a Murder was set). A little research reveals that it does have its sport, but even there the Badger State seems quite humble. Compared to the braggadocio displayed by the naming of the Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, Chicago Bears and Minnesota Vikings Wisconsin is represented in the NFL by the Green Bay Packers. Named, presumably, after people who pack things. It seems a small town team isolated from the overly-testosterone driven machismo of more butch teams from larger cities. And Packers fans are known as 'Cheeseheads'. Wisconsin is, apparently, the largest cheese-producing state in the Union. And its inhabitants have turned this term of scorn into a proud characteristic. And go around wearing giant foam hats shaped like chunks of cheese. Bless.

 

 

So if Wisconsin, more than any other, is my 'forgotten state' I have more need than most to find out what makes it tick. My three films for this week are:

• Bridesmaids (2011)
• The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
• BASEketball (1998)

So let's rock Milwaukee!